Holding Back the Words... Holding Back on Writing

Holding back the words... holding back on writing. Waiting for as long as the heavy, humid, sticky air hovers over the Carmel.
Like holding back on smoking. Going out on the balcony with my kahwa, dropping into my chair, facing the Haifa bay, slowly dragging a menthol cigarette out of its green-white box, studying the filter, sipping from the finjan, putting the white thin cigarette between my dry lips, taking the yellow lighter, lighting it, watching the flame for a while as it flickers in the soft breeze, bringing it close to my lips, closer, until it almost kisses the cigarette... then the flame goes out. I put back the cigarette into its box, its home, but upside down, so that a brown eye stares out into the world, among all-white eyes... sipping again from the finjan, the kahwa is dark, thick like the air... Ziyad forgot to put sugar in the kahwa... no matter. It always tastes bitter, no matter how much sugar you add... getting up from the chair, heavily dragging my feet back to my study... waiting... waiting another hour until I light that brown-eyed cigarette... and then... and then... inhaling the sublime smoke into my lungs. Letting the drug spread inside my body, slowly... feeling the cool sensation spreading in my lungs, and into my mind... then comes the dizziness. The dizziness of a first cigarette the body has been longing for...

Holding back on words, holding back on writing, feeling the dizziness when I finally write, the words spilling out at a fascinating speed, racing the mind for the words, chasing the thoughts word... by word...

Holding back on words... is like - is like - a forgotten, lidded pot on the stove... the water starts boiling, slowly making the lid dance at first, and then, with a volcanic outburst, it spill over, putting out the flame, making a mess underneath... dancing bubbles of water... dancing words on the page...

Holding back on writing, holding back the words... dancing words, unearthly dizziness in the mind...

(c) all rights reserved to Khulud Khamis (2008)